Cold
by Nightquesttarja
Summary: After a seven month trip alone to an academy of chieftains, Hiccup returns to Berk a cold and despondent fragment of his old self, leaving his loved ones, most notably Toothless, wondering what happened. Will Toothless be able to make him feel again?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own "How to Train Your Dragon."**

**Author's Note: Greetings, readers! This idea has been at the forefront of my mind for a long time now, so I finally decided to write it. If you all like it then I'll continue this, and I already have the second chapter written up, so let me know your thoughts on the first chapter here!**

Cold—the only feeling that's left. That and loneliness.

Seven months have passed emptily, as if nothing had happened… except much did happen. He had left his home to attend a sort of school to enhance his chieftain abilities. He remembered stories his dad would tell him when he attended as a boy. Only for him, it had been pleasant. For Hiccup, it had been a nightmare.

He stood on the deck of the ship as his homeland approached. Since dragons were not permitted in the academy, he had no choice but to travel by boat. A long and boring experience, he noted mentally, but an experience nonetheless.

The academy had changed him over the past months, made him cold and indifferent. It stripped him of his compassion and rebuked him for ever having it. He recalled how the other chieftains disassociated themselves from him, seeing him as the "dragon lover," and never failed to torment him for his love of the winged creatures. He also noted how the elders, the teachers, should have put an end to it. But they didn't. If anything, they provoked it.

He let his hand fall over a thick scar on his right cheek. He winced at the memory of the whip that snapped it there, remember the beast that did it—Halvar: the head of the academy, and infamously among the students: The Lord of Agony. He was cruel to everyone there; including the elders. But he had particular rancor for him. He would ensure that he made no friends, by isolating him and persuading the opinions of others.

He stared stone-faced at the island, happiness and love a foreign entity to him, but that's what seven months of being forced not to feel, does to one. And they made sure he received that treatment fully. He recalled the lonely, sleepless nights of the end of the first month when he would silently cry for the company of Toothless. And now he felt no excitement to be reunited with the dragon.

He growled at the memory of Halvar and his final words to him: "What has been done here _will_ remain a secret, else your life, and the lives of your people shall be destroyed." He clenched his fists in anger: _You've hurt me beyond what a human can handle, and now you hurt me further by making me lie to the people I care about? _He thought, knowing that there'd be questions about the fresh mark on his face. In his mind, he was playing through the most torturous scenarios for the evil old man, sickly enjoying it as he did so.

As he broke from his reverie, he saw that the docks of his home near and what appeared to be a crowd of people there, waiting. A silent dread filled him; he did not want a welcome home from anyone, especially from those he knew well. He was so used to his negligence they had so carefully and relentlessly instilled in him, that a welcome would only embarrass him. So he only hoped that they would let him pass and he could go to his house.

He glanced to the man sitting to his right—Sten. A good man, he thought. He was the captain of their ship and was the one who brought him to the academy. Hiccup liked him for one reason: he acknowledged his presence. Even though they exchanged few words throughout the voyage, he at least wasn't condescending toward him or his ways with dragons like every other person he had come in contact with over the past five months was.

At that moment, the boat came to a stop, once again breaking him from his thought. He held a stone-hard expression as he glanced at the villagers on the dock to his right. The first thing he saw was the familiar dragon, wagging his tail with a facial expression that shone months of bottled-up anticipation. The dragon waited at the closest position he could be; his excitement nearly causing him to fall off the side of the pier.

Hiccup felt uncomfortable as he saw the dragon dance in excitement, thought: _How am I going to deal with this welcome?_ He then remembered his graduation from the academy; there were no congratulations, no smiles, nothing. Just silence as he walked out. If an achievement of that magnitude was not worth recognition, then a simple return home certainly wasn't. So why was it happening?

As the bridge was set for him to cross back onto the land, he hesitated, his face cemented in a frown as he looked at all the faces, smiling and waiting. _Here goes nothing!_ He thought, then made his cross.

When he reached the wooden dock, he was nearly trampled by the ecstatic Night Fury. The dragon knocked him over and gave large loving licks all over his face.

Hiccup stiffened, the outward show of affection shocking him. It had been so long since he last received such love that he had no idea how to react to it.

After a moment, Toothless noticed his stiffness, ceased his licking; confusion replacing his joyful expression. Is he not excited to see me? Surely he did not forget who I am! As Hiccup got to his feet, the Night Fury stopped as he noticed the scar that descended from his right cheek bone. He came close, sniffing it. They hurt his face? How? I could've been there to protect him!

Out of instinct, he nodded to the Night Fury. It was the formal way of greeting he was taught at the academy. Then out of the blue, his mother caught him up in an embrace. _Such forward affection!_ He thought.

As she drew away from the hug, she said, "Oh, Hiccup, I'm so glad you're—" She stopped short, noticing the large mark on his face, slowly running a hand down it. "What is this? What—how did you get this?" She questioned, anger rising.

_Remember the agreement…_ "It's all right," he said, "it was a training accident."

She detected the bitter edge in his tone, noticed the lie, thought: _What did they do to him?_ She drew back and offered a forced smile. "Well it's good to have you back, son."

"Yeah." He finished awkwardly, his mother trying to maintain her smile.

He then felt a fist hit his back, memories of times when he'd be walking to his room at night and would be attack by other trainees, flashed him. It would always start with a fist to the back, catching him off guard.

Swiftly he whipped around and eyed the assailant; the blonde haired Viking stood waiting. Brief confusion fazed him, before he remembered he wasn't at the academy.

Toothless noticed his hostility, cocked his head in concern. What did they do with my best friend?

Astrid, who was staring at him with a warm smile, nearly gasped as she became aware of the scar on his face. Her mouth hung open as tilted her head in observation. "H—how'd you—"

"Training accident," He said flatly.

She drew back, curiosity biting her. _Hiccup fighting?_ She found the idea hard to believe, but didn't question it. She originally was going to joke and ask: Get any good scars? But found it inappropriate now. So she just offered as smile, "Well…glad you're back!"

He groaned mentally: _I can tell they're lying. Don't know why they're pretending to be happy. If it's to protect my feelings it's unnecessary—they were taken when I entered the academy. _

He was so preoccupied by his swarming thoughts that he hadn't noticed that the other villagers were congratulating him. He ignored them, focusing on himself—the only thing he knew how to do.

The crowd around him was now starting to make him nervous. He had to get away. He cleared his throat, "If you'll excuse me, I'll be going to my house." Pushing through the crowed he cursed himself mentally. This is exactly the thing he'd done at the academy when around other people—run away and hide. Only here there were people who wanted to see him. _Curse you, Halvar! You've made it so I can't escape your agony!_

The villagers found his behavior odd, but thought it only exhaustion from the journey. But both Valka and Astrid knew it was something more, and it made them uneasy. After a good night's rest, they were going to question him whether he wanted to or not.

* * *

Toothless followed the fast moving Hiccup, through the village, trying to keep pace. The dragon cooed worriedly at his friend's fleeing back.

Hiccup tensed at the noise, throwing open the front door of his home and scurrying in. He didn't bother shutting it, just walked quickly to his bed, sliding under the blankets in retreat.

Toothless shut the door, then came near the boy, eyeing the form, lying facing the wall under the blanket. He brought his large black head close to the form under the sheets, sniffed it, recognizing Hiccup's scent. What's he scared of? I'll scare it away!

Hiccup closed his eyes tightly, feeling the warm breath bleeding through the sheets, thought: _Why can't you just leave me alone?!_. To be honest he was afraid of the dragon's concern, recalling times at the academy when the other students would feign concern for him until he believed he had a friend he could trust, then they would crush him, each and every one. He couldn't help but see Toothless this way, terrified to have what's left of his heart, broken.

But the Night Fury was persistent; he kept cooing over him and prodding the mass under the thick blanket, loving concern painted in his light green eyes.

Hiccup wanted it to stop, but couldn't bring himself to say it. To his surprise he felt himself trembling. And the dragon's actions ceased. With a sorrowful moan, he heard a heavy plop on the floor. He had stopped trying for now, but Hiccup could still feel his gaze penetrating his back through the blanket.

Watching the darkness covering his face, he lay there, thoughts running through his mind: _I thought it would be better here, but it's no different, I don't belong anymore, I've been ruined and I'm gonna have to live with it. _He stared at the wall for, gods-know-how-long before he drifted into sleep, where his nightmares could at least offer some comfort.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own "How to Train Your Dragon."  
**

**Author's Note: Just one, quick note—There will be times in this story where it will be told through Toothless' perspective. There will be more of it later on, but for now, let me know how it feels and how I can improve it. **

* * *

The next morning, before the sun had even risen, Hiccup awakened. He was used to being awake this early; it was around this time that Halvar forced him to polish the blades. It was a task he did not mind. He was used to doing it at the forge with Gobber all the time, but it was the environment in which he did it that bothered him—cold, dark, and above all, lonely.

He stilled an involuntary chill of fear at the memory and pushed himself from his bed. He sighed; he didn't exactly know what to do with his time. Gobber would not yet be awake to work in the forge, and every instinct in his body forbade him from falling back asleep. It was yet another thing he'd been reminded of on those rare early days when he'd overslept... He shuddered.

Toothless was now awake and by his side, observing him. The dragon must've seen the hardened look he wore the night before, because he lowered his head, pupils dilated in confusion and sorrow. _Something is wrong with Him._

Hiccup, a prisoner of habit, looked at the dragon's whole-heart expression as if it were only a painting, reminding himself of the lessons he had been taught. '_It's unprofessional for a chief to show their emotions…'_ He refused to believe it at first, but after all the consistent pounding of it into his head, he caved.

Fastening the straps on his outfit, he nodded formally to the Night Fury, the way a chief would to his people. "Good morning, Toothless." He took great care in making sure it sounded leveled and controlled.

The dragon's jet-black scales greedily absorbed the darkness of the bedside, two pools of large green watched him in sad confusion: _Sleep didn't help my Hiccup..._

Like a soldier, he ignored the reptile's insistent plea, setting his eyes toward the door and marching out, leaving the Night Fury to wallow in despair.

In a forlorn croon, Toothless watched the retreating back until the door slammed shut. _Why doesn't He want my help? His beautiful soul hurts and nothing I do helps it. I can't give up... He doesn't want it, but I don't care! He didn't give up on me, I can't give up on Him. I _love_ Errant One, and I _will_ help Him even if He gets mad._

He looked back to the bed, noted the sloppy, almost restless manner of the blanket, then saw the beaten and flat pillow which had cradled the head. The sight filled him with unease and anger. He growled: _Why do things hurt my human? He is kind and loves. And now he's out to get hurt alone... I will hurt the things that make Him hide! I must protect Errant One!_

* * *

As he ran into Astrid that morning, he noted the tiredness that swam in the red edges of her eyes, fatigue of the shoulders, knew she had not slept since he last saw her the day before. What has kept her up? Could it be a result of my return? He straightened, wearing him authoritative formality. "You look tired." He said. It sounded odd and unconcerned.

She looked up at him through a tired squint of stinging tiredness, "Couldn't sleep." She shrugged then changed the subject of the conversation. "You're up early!"

Early_? If I'd awakened this late at the Academy, they'd have taken my prosthetic and made me hop across the institution five times to get it back._ He looked at her strangely, "A chief should always be awake before the rest." He stated as if it were obvious.

She wrinkled her brow at his statement, "I… can see how someone would believe that, but is it really necessary?"

"Of course! Do not question—" He stopped himself at her defensive look, shook his head, "I'm sorry, I must remember I'm home." He paused, a strange silence ensuing. "Um, well... carry on." He said, then whirled and strode toward his mother's home.

Astrid watched him go, wondering: _What did that place _do_ to him? This is not the Hiccup I know and love. _As she watched his retreating back, she felt something missing. Then as she felt the prodding of a scaly nose on her back, and turned to see the squawking of the friendly Nadder, she realized that Toothless was not by his side.

"Hey, girl!" She greeted with half-focus. She looked at the structure where he had emerged solely and wondered: _Toothless is usually glued to his side._ She recalled the way he looked the day before, chasing after Hiccup as he made his hasty retreat. _Maybe I should visit Toothless later. _

A low impatient rumble from the throat and a slightly forceful prod, Stormfly egged her, darting her spiked head in excitement.

"All right, all _right!_ Let's go!"

As she boarded the jumping dragon, she glanced back once more at the quiet shack of a home and let an ephemeral concern faze her. _Later..._

* * *

"Mother?" He greeted throwing the front door open.

She gyrated from the fire place, a look of surprise catching her features. "Oh, Hiccup! You're up early!"

He frowned. That was the second time he'd been told that. They doubted his abilities. He decided to act as though he didn't hear the dubiety and proceeded to the table, ringed in chairs.

Handing him a mug of water, Valka was quick to notice the missing companion. "Where's Toothless?" she asked.

He shrugged, "Probably still in my room." He took a sip of the liquid, appreciating the cleanliness of it, unlike the rusty colored substance at the Academy that he'd grown so used to.

Valka creased her brow, "Hmm, that's odd, he's been so excited to finally see you again, you'd think he'd be as close to you as possible."

He set the mug down, detecting the insinuating tone. _Confrontation often gets nowhere._ He reminded himself, deciding to play along. "Maybe he's tired," He shrugged.

"Maybe…" she said, slowly lifting her own mug to her lips.

_Now she wants me to read her tone._ He laughed mentally: _My mother thinks I'm not smart enough to detect subtle codes within tones. Maybe Halvar accidentally taught me something useful. _He arched a brow, "Is there something you'd like to tell me?" He had to mustered up all his strength to make that sound concerned.

She sat back, buying into the charade, "Oh, no, it's just that…You've been—he was so happy to see you yesterday and you didn't even give him the time of day."

"So what are you saying; that I should go tackle him in hugs and kisses?"

"No. All I'm saying is that you should show him some love."

"I do."

"What, that stiff nod you gave him? Hiccup, you used to hug him and scratch him under the chin and tell him how much you love him."

His expression remained unchanged as he took another sip from his mug.

"I don't what happened there, Hiccup, but that academy's changed you."

He wet his lips with his tongue, "I thought you said 'people are incapable of change'?"

She sat back in her chair, "Now, you can't use that against me! And anyway, I was wrong. I see that now."

"Hmm," he hummed, reclining in his chair. He noted the lines of tension in her brow, stiffness of shoulders. _She fears me. Why?_ He remembered the same tension she had when his father had approached her in the Dragon Sanctuary._ Apprehensive, she is. This perception of people would be tormented at the Academy._

Valka watched him carefully, observing his firm unwavering eyes, "Hiccup, what exactly did they teach you at this 'academy'?" She asked bitterly.

_Nothing! _He thought. _No, I take that back—I learned how to hate myself. _He swallowed, knowing that he had to lie. She cannot find out! "I learned how to be resolute and fair." He said. _That was stupid_. He rebuked himself. And he could tell by the look on his mother's face that she thought so as well.

"Resolute!" She sneered. "Hiccup, you've been acting grim, like all purpose in life has fled."

_If only you knew… _His attention was captured by a crash from outside. He turned his focus on the closed door, an action mirrored by his mother. His concern soon faded as the sound of casual chatter filled the air. He turned back to face his mother, taking yet another sip from the mug.

As he placed the flagon back on the table, he saw a new look in his mother's eyes—a look of revelation. _She hasn't figured it out, has she? No, please say it isn't so!_

"So, uh, Hiccup, you haven't asked about, Gobber." she said.

He inwardly sighed: _She doesn't know._ He then resumed his cold demeanor. "Should I be?" He asked with the faintest hint of concern. He remembered how the lout wasn't around when he was greeted by his people._  
_

She shrugged, "Well, I just thought you'd want to know where he is."

He bit back a growl. _Why is she doing this? Is she trying to lead me on to evoke anger? _He thought, and trying to conceal irritation, asked: "Where is he?"

"He came in early this morning from a supply run."

"Why would he need to travel for supplies? We have everything we need on this island." He said, finishing the last drops of water from his mug.

She shook her head in disappointment, "You know there's no Wolffish near this island."

"What's he want with Wolffish?"

"Smooth leather." She said.

He nodded, knowingly. He laughed mentally, finding it strange how they digressed from his training to leather saddles. He allowed for a moment of silence to pass between them, before, "Well, I'd better go see him, it's not good for a chief to neglect his people." He stated formally rising and pushing in his chair.

Valka nodded at him, offering a weak smile, "All right son, I'll see ya later!" She tried to hide the desperation in her tone. She feared that if she said nothing, he might never return. And as she watched him go, she allowed a thought to pass:_Was he... abused on that island?_

* * *

Hiccup walked through the large arch that led to the forge. He took moments to carefully observe the colors of the woodwork. He found it strange that they were a pale sunglow, he recalled them as more of a carmine. Surely he'd not forgotten after only seven months.

After a few paces, he found the ugly lump of an old man, lurched over a small smoldering pit of stones, pounding away at a metal rod.

"Greetings, Gobber." He said.

The man swung around, "Aye, Hicc_u-up!_" He stopped short, eyes drawn to the fat scar on his cheek. "Great Odin, lad! How'd _that_ get there?"

Hiccup inwardly sighed, knowing it would come sooner or later. "Training accident."

"Aye, I know what that's like. When I was younger, I would get all kinds of scars from dragons in the arena! Though not all we from training..." He laughed nostalgically, "Yeah, Stoick and I, we were wayward children. But when I think about it, I don't remember Stoick ever getting scarred at that academy—I mean, I never went, but… still."

Hiccup felt a surge of nervousness fill him: _Did my father tell him there's no physical training there?_

Gobber changed the subject, "So, what did those other chiefs think of ya having a dragon?"

He shrugged, same old sullen attitude surfacing "Oh, y'know, the same old condescending scowling." He could tell that much, right?

"Well, y'know how it is," he said, then focused and enunciated the words, "people don't change."

There it is again!

Hiccup was tired of hearing those words, "People don't change!" he sneered. "_We_ changed, why can't the rest of the world?" He was getting angry now and he needed to control it, quickly.

"Hiccup," he said, "the rest of the world isn't lucky enough to have someone like you." He returned his attention to the blazing rod and he pounded it.

_Someone like me?_ He laughed bitterly in his mind: _How could anyone be happy with _me_ around?_ He thought. The idea bewildered him, made him dumbfounded that he was depicted as something of a savior… sure he ended the arduous war between man and dragon, but it was on accident, simple weakness that prevented him from killing the dragon whom would become his best friend.

His next thought frightened him. He realized just how precise the circumstances were for his befriending of the Night Fury. He knew that if he'd missed that shot, or if he hadn't lost part of his tail fin, or even if he had not accidentally flown into the cove and trapped himself, they would not have the peace they have today, and he, the friend.

Anger filled him, and he thought: _Why can't I feel compassion? Even though they beat it out of me, they couldn't've taken it forever, right? _The thought began to sicken him as he stumbled out of Gobber's station. _They've turned me into… some kind of… freak!_ He clenched his teeth in anger. _I'll prove they haven't destroyed me and turned me into a serving wench! …Maybe a visit to the cove will help me remember myself._

* * *

Astrid knocked on the door of the Chief Hiccup's home. The door had apparently not been shut properly, because it opened at the touch.

Now she wasn't one for etiquette, but she still held certain standards. She would not enter someone's home without an invitation, nor would she knock on someone's door in the dead of night. But since he isn't here to invite her in, she should just leave, right?

She eyed the open door, seeing the expansive room and empty bed inside. Toothless, who was curled up beside the bed, perked up at the knock and spotted her and began making his way to her.

Astrid noted the way his head drooped, tired pools of green that reflected her own, shared a sleepless night. His pace was slow and detached, his mind elsewhere, as he approached her. He offered a smile and brushed against her hand, though it was notably weaker than in the past.

"Hey, Toothless," She greeted, offering an exhausted smile of her own. "You concerned for Hiccup, too?"

His ears drooped at the name, a dejected moan escaping his mouth.

"I know I feel the same way." She said in a sigh. She then saw the dragon turn around and proceed back toward the bed. "Where're you going?" She asked.

He stopped and looked at her, gesturing his head to follow.

She hesitated, unsure of whether or not to obey. _Is it okay to be invited in by a dragon?_ She wondered. She felt a sudden guilt come over her, as if she were dirty, as she followed him in, closing the door behind her.

* * *

Hiccup fingered the ridge of the familiar rocky ledge that overlooked the nostalgic pit, glazed in silver moonlight with its pond an undulating mirror singing the moon's beauty.

He frowned at the sight and the lack of pain in his chest: _I can't feel anything! I'm right here, on the edge of this beautiful spot and I feel nothing. _He sighed, becoming desperate._ Know what, I'm just gonna go back home and hug him—hug him tighter than I ever have! I don't care how wrong it feels, or what those fools from the Academy would think if they saw me!_

In a whirling shift of his position, a rock from under him shifted, his prosthetic leg slipped and his body began sliding off the edge. He desperately grabbed for anything to save him from a twenty-five foot plummet into dirt.

He found a rock jutting out from the edge, gripped it tightly. He felt his finger tips raw from the attrition of the rocks he grabbed at; bit back the pain as he frantically tried to pull his dangling body up.

At that moment he became aware of the reality of the situation. Toothless wasn't there to catch him and a fall from that height could seriously hurt him.

_Should I call out for help?_ He wondered. But then memories of the Academy flooded him. _No. I don't need to depend on others!_ He tensed his arms as he pulled with all his might, his metal foot offering no leverage on the slick rocks.

His heart was racing, hands becoming clammy as he felt he rock he gripped come loose. "No no no _no!_" He shouted, then the rock came out of the wall and he fell. A sharp pain shot through him briefly before he blacked out.

* * *

**Author's Note: Well, there's chapter two! I'll try my best to get the next out quickly.**


End file.
